TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from position. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let's have another area exactly where American Gentlemen can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you All people a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he really should end applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the project, replied, "You already know, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from space, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after finding the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Characteristics


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    18% stated "exactly where's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting consideration from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will also contain:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge in which my PTSD can have transform-down provider."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

Report this page